On: 21 questions

THE YEAR is 2012

What is the meaning of life?

I think everyone has to answer that question on their own. For me, the meaning of life isn’t one broad thing, it is discovering the meaning of your own life – I think we all have a unique potential and we all could leave the world with a contribution, but in order to figure this out we must wade through some gritty stuff … lessons in pain, grief, fear, heartache, courage, humility, kindness, and community; but most importantly, the journey of learning and implementing self-love. Self-love is an incredibly delicate and important process; it’s life-saving, there is an incredible peace in knowing and accepting yourself. With that said—sadly—I think some people never get there, maybe if our souls live on we can have a couple more tries. I like to be a dreamer and fantasize that if every living soul on earth mastered humility preceded by self-love, only then we will have found a euphoria on earth.

What is the difference between right and wrong?

When you were little and you watched someone kick a dog , you just knew that it was wrong. We have an intuitive sense of fairness that we don’t always cultivate and use in our lives, but I think we know a lot about what is right and wrong from an early age. Often times our radar gets foggy and confused as we learn self-promotion from a variety of examples—good and bad. I guess to sum it up, I’d say: right is doing your best to make decisions using a moral compass that you are proud of. Wrong is usually more selfish.

Where is your happy place?

For a long time it’s been the ice arena, I could always go to a rink and just skate away any bits of discomfort I had tucked away to deal with later. The air is cold and rinks have a distinct smell, I assume it’s some fume like gasoline from the Zamboni which has accumulated and all been trapped indoors, but I just love it regardless. At the rink, as you work to get warm, you stay refreshed and cool, there is something about practicing hot yoga or even running on a hot day that really annoys me.  Skating is a form of pure enjoyment in my life. The simple graceful movements you can make gain wild opportunity with a pair of blades attached to your feet. Speed across the ice as the friction melts and changes the surface below you. This sport  I adore allows me to play an interesting little game with physics.

Nature or Nurture?

I think both have to be at play. I think education and knowledge are the way forward.

Is it more important to be liked or respected?

Of course it’s more important to be respected than liked…but I think both are important, I know both are important. From a philosophical standpoint, I shouldn’t say that being liked is important because it implies needs of the ego. I think respect is huge, and to earn that from people you need to use integrity and humility as well as bravery and wit. But being liked instills a sense of security, community and wellness; people really need that for happiness and vitality.

If you could be remembered for one thing what would it be?

I have many things yet to do and accomplish, so this answer will evolve as I age but, I hope to give something good to the world before I leave it. I want to write and have it matter; I have spent hours finding and harvesting the storyteller, and artist inside of me, and I hope my madness and poetry will make a positive difference somehow. Also motherhood has always been something I wanted -- and hope I am capable of conception. I want very much to earn the right to call myself a mentor, I’d like to help young people with the issues they face.  Maybe I could create a campaign or start a movement; I'd like to help abolish the stigma attached to mental illness and I want to somehow help my brother with self-love. I want to always explore and grow. One life, might as well.

Who or what is your greatest love?

My almost husband, is the love of my whole life. Nothing has ever been so wonderful. He is kind and evolving and has every quality people look for in a mate. He protects the ones he loves -- he protects me; not just from danger but from pain, and from losing myself. Every single day he indulges my true nature; he gives the real me a place and the space to be both safe and weird.  He’s hardworking, driven and strong; he is tolerance, and loyalty. He is LOVE. I will adore him "until my body is dust and my soul is no more."

When did you last lie?

Last night,when I told myself how many calories I had consumed that day.  

Does the supernatural exist?
A lot of things are beyond the scope of scientific understanding, my answer today ... I'm not so sure there is much use in knowing either way.

Are you fatalistic?

Definitely not, “every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around” I think we have choices to make and they shape our experiences. I think I can’t imagine that some people have the fate for wealth and power, while others get agony and loss, I think we, as a human race, pass through many similar lessons disguised in different contexts and I think we have free will. Not everything is in our hands but we do get to choose our things, like our dreams, reactions and work ethic.

What is your greatest fear?

Irrational fears are my greatest fear. I’m terrified of driving over suspension bridges in a car for a fear of being taken by a gust of wind over the edge only to drown stuck inside a car. Dramatic, I know, but for some reason .... I also am terrified of being trapped in a fire. 

Animals or babies?

Babies! They are so perfect and innocent and they look amazing chubby. They have these pure little souls with a new lease on life. Plus I’m engaged, I have a bit of baby fever at the moment.

What talent do you yearn for?

I would love just snap my fingers and be a classically trained ballerina, just looking exquisite, tall (at any height) and to do something that isn’t a sport, just an art form, a narrative of movement, so much grace and emotion. I think ballet dancers have the most incredible physiques, they have so much control of their bodies and extraordinary strength in every muscle even the unnamed periphery ones.

 Do you like to be complimented?

Obviously… I was a showgirl for 10-years, I’m currently trying to understand my life in the context of no applause. Like none -- no one claps for me anymore.

Do you have a high pain threshold?

I think I do, but it’s irrelevant either way. I once had a root canal without Novocain. Being in a highly competitive sport since I was kid had me wishing I could have more sympathy. I think that feeling stayed with me. I don’t mind hugs and compassion so that contradiction makes stoicism a bit tricky. I also have lack of inner-monologue, so that’s another thing that isn’t selling my high pain threshold.

What book do you recommend most to others?

Too soon old, too late smart by: Dr. Gordon Livingston. His advice is kind, intelligent and  remarkable; he lost both of his sons within 2 years of each other, his eldest, 23 in the grips of bipolar disorder to suicide, and the youngest 7, to leukemia. For me he’s an example not just in his thoughtful poetic words but as a survivor.  All of his books inspire me and teach me.

What lesson has been the hardest to learn?

I’d say adversity isn’t doled out because people merit it, what you suffer through, past and with doesn’t define you and it certainly isn’t something anyone deserves, it’s just part of the whole experience. I’d also say that the process of accepting and loving yourself is difficult; those two were doozies.

What food sums up happiness?

Dough, pie, pastries, baked goods, cookies, and sugar mmmm….. basically anything pointless and made of lard and flour! LUCKY ME!

What have you never understood?

War, especially wars fought in the name of religion. I don’t think any war ever fought no matter if it was won or lost has ever really changed anything. War in general is a fear-based action and it mainly just kills hordes of people. I may sound ignorant, but it just doesn’t sit well with me… there is no justification, of any kind, to attack and kill one another in the name of a cause. I’d like to hope we could learn from years of devastation and begin to accomplish things with peaceful, mutually beneficial agreements. Dr. Martin Luther King changed the world without condoning violence.

What is the one thing you want to know before you die?

Motherhood.

Are you scared of dying or of what happens when you die?

I’m scared of what it feels like to die… in concept, but dying is not something any of us should spend too much time contemplating. I know it’s a distinctly human ability to contemplate death but still it’s not helpful and it scares us into making poor choices for ourselves.