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On: Speaking The Truth

And so it is… ambivalently I prepare for another goodbye; ambivalence only because I need to honor that which I am leaving wait…

The romance or magic of my life has to be where I am, not where I was …not where I may soon be; this keeps me grounded and grateful. Yes, I have illusions of my potential and my travels excite me. I have a bleeding heart that wants to give energy, joy, and most of all LOVE. But patience is a virtue, I must feel the emotions of the now, they guide and edify me.

I am blessed, I get to be an artist, my life is pure and I have control now of my own madness, my deep, bottomless emotions. I channel them for my craft, for creativity and for growth.  I give my heart on the stage, and will—I  fear—until I know someone, somewhere who will let me pour over them all that I am and accept that canon. I am not a burden and I am not a distraction.  Connect with me and the seams dissolve. I am an independent emergent with an edgy soul and wild imagination. I am a builder and a natural mediator. I want grace in the path behind me. Yet my self-sustenance and confidence seem to indicate that I could leave a trail of destruction. People fear me, men fear me. What is everyone so afraid of? Why the hell are you so goddamn afraid? When I invest myself, I share the pain. I am not built to rein havoc on that beautiful, sacred heart of yours—I’m just not. I am water; I will move you and etch you subtly to assure you will not be broken, just new.

I’m going away; tonight I will arrive in another world, and I will be authentic. I will give too much, too soon… I will be hopeful and be me and avoid measuring the risk that lies between two people.

“I have a tendency to see the best in everyone, but also to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on far too long, waiting for another to ascend to his own greatness, I wait in vain. I am a victim of my own optimism.”

                               --Elizabeth Gilbert

I leave again. Goodbye to my loves and my whole transparent world at Christmas time. It has been 7-years since I have enjoyed the traditions that I was raised to cherish.  I became who I am bound by a culture that says nostalgia adds value to the experience of living. But I am a maverick and a social scientist and I devise my own philosophies as I live raw out in the field. I won’t cry for a home I choose to leave. I will be my potential.

Happy holidays my people. I cherish you in distance and memory, and miss you with ritual.  I will honor our bonds; I am always here for you, one world away, one more sleep. Just give me your hand. I promise I can help you fix that. Just let me love you, let me aide you.

All my love at Christmas time!



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Goodbye to the circus xx