To fully understand this part of the story you must first read the prequel
PREQUEL
The house of cards began to fall. As I reaffirmed my version of events, I was more sure than ever that I believe in love. I believe in the idea evolving in love with ever-changing conditions. Impermanence making all life possible, all love possible. But I also believe in other people, they are the true silver lining of living a human life; people - delicate, unique, people. And above all, I believe in commitment--define it for yourself, value it as you wish but don't be a hypocrite. I was being a hypocrite.
I decided that, I will bolt myself to those rare unique people I find and I will be right there for 300 years. I will! My version of commitment is longer, thicker and more gritty than a mouthful of dirt. I believe in the scariest of desires and all versions of emotional security, counterfeit or otherwise.
I asked myself, what could be so important in this world? It's nice to achieve but why must we consume ourselves in the name of achievement. Aren't we just burning down the future, and missing the point?
TO my future babies: take care of each other. People are the most valuable assets you will get to experience. I can't stress this enough, people are so important and too many of us seem to learn that one on the way out. I learned it by the time I was 32. "People are such a valuable part of human existence. Cherish people, show up, be accountable and do good by the people you get to love... especially by the ones that love you."
To love is a gift, a remarkable and creative gift. Don't be too scared to love, even after love has hurt you, even after love has ruined an optimism you'll never feel again. LOVE ANYWAY!
If we can construct insurance companies and create industries and erect and destroy towers in the name of that same security; If we can build and build and build solely to justify all the things we aren't meant to understand, then surely we can commit! We CAN give up all other options for another force that we can't understand--LOVE. Don't mind the fear; fear is every bit as fake as security. It's self preservation and pure irony.
So that's it, that's what I learned here in my wall-less, rendezvous. What makes me feel safe is something people forgot to value, ourselves and each other. I guess the concept of emotional security is counterfeit, I think it is of pure human desire, yet I still want it, a tiny sliver.
Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "illusion is the greatest of all pleasures" ? I want a man by my side who will give me all kinds of pleasure both indulgence and delay, both radical and real. And I will wait for him and believe in him, I have to!!
And so it was with rapid momentum, this man from the rendezvous who gave me no version of hope had made me feel apathetic. I didn't recognize myself. As I waited right there, he didn't have the time, he didn't make the time; I was bored and frustrated because it was exhausting to climb in to bed knowing that I deserved better, without knowing where to search.
It turns out, it doesn't matter that you don't know where to search, it's matters that you search at all.
To the man too afraid to leave his shell, here's my exit interview:
Dear Rendezvous,
Mr. "at a safe distance": I am not afraid of my own feelings. I didn't ask for much, I didn't need gobs of stimulation and I certainly didn't chase affirmation.
GOODBYE. I feel like I’ll always want more than I’m allowed, and it haunting because you like it that way. But that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I told you what I was built for, what I need and seek. So why are you in this picture? You existed, for now, only to delay me. I am restricted to being stuck in this middle-ground where everything is always slipping away and it has to be fine. I wake up alone and wait for the right time zone and it has all gone beige.
I was not vested in an outcome, but outcomes tend to happen either way, with or without expectations tied in neat little bows. You have taught me not to be afraid to lose something that isn’t mine... something that wasn't and never will be mine.
Being strong and independent is virtuous but not in total lack of well-roundedness.
Sincerely, A
Dear world,
I want a full life bursting with real love, and wild adventure. I want the ability to embrace all of the grit and wholeness of my accurate existence. I want to be a true creative in my work and legacy and to love, to express, those things are truly creative acts. I seem to attract and find the men who want a brave, independent woman but then can NOT handle her. They are so terrified to lose they can't possibly love or be loved in return; a self-fulfilled prophecy of the saddest kind. I hope you evolve.
I want to be overwhelming and not by intent but by nature. I am lusty and feminine and intense. I want to build a fantasy and indulge in the pleasures of it with a real man. One who wants to be there.
I want a worthy man. I will wait for him and believe in him. He will find me.
(written 2013, engaged to Steven Lee Worthington September 2015)
Coming soon.... Mr. & Mrs Worthy xx
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