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#Rendezvous ------> (Part I)

This is part of the story, a path to a worthy man.

                                                                    "Experience is cruel teacher"

....sometime in the year 2013. During this past year, being single, I colored outside the lines and with hope in my fingertips, I swirled and scribbled and looked for shelter outside the lines. Every moment that I explored had me prisoner of an experience formally unknown to me.  One rendezvous turned several had suspended my life indefinitely. The rules : there were no walls or expectations; there was no safety. And before long, the room was always spinning and I was functioning in a place I didn't like. Chapter one is always interesting. But this got boring faster than a book you have to read.

He preached, "...this connection we have is beautiful, but there is no space for needs, emotion,  or expectations", he said it with his actions and with his motions and, he said it with every minute he avoided getting closer. AND I bought in, I co-signed with this con-man. I absolutely did NOT think about the future. FORBIDDEN.

I became perplexed however, because I truly felt  that he deserved love as did I, but he overtly devalued it. Everything I'm built for didn't matter, he wouldn't let it matter. Before I knew what I wanted, he made it clear it didn't matter.  Then he said, "I expect nothing," And those words made ripples in the air around my pretty little head. I knew immediately what he actually meant; "I expect nothing" = I want nothing.

And it lined up; he always gave me just enough to suckle on, just enough.  Still, I thought he could muster the courage to learn that vulnerability although unsafe, is where the magic is. I thought maybe he could respect the bigger reasons behind our chance encounter. As we kept sharing those minutes of raw, exposed and futureless nothing, I found no refuge, I found nothing familiar; it was perpetual openness, and zero protection. 

Initially, I was empowered, curious -- insatiable. I wondered: can I do this? Can I adore someone and allow it to be just that, non-existent connecting without any terms, without the pressure of one or the other's expectations? In every moment I contemplated my deviant behavior, I heard her voice; my mother's...

           "There are so many things in this life that will blindside you... you wont see them coming, the stuff that will explode inches away from your pretty little face leaving you devastated beyond comprehension.... and those are the moments when you must keep going because your lungs are still filled with air."

And then I thought do I want to face all that devastation with my Mr. Nothing by my side? In that moment, I knew the days occupies with these rendezvous were numbered.



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