On: My big sister

                                              

Dearest Auts,

You were my example, I’ve watched you pass through the phases that make up the maturation stages of a young life ... and by that observation, I have learned so much.

Having a sister is pretty darn cool. You taught me how to outsmart and outwit  both situations and people. You also taught me when it was necessary and wasn’t ... because sometimes, you said, "you have to know when to wash your hands and walk away." You taught me how to make mistakes and how to convince everyone else that it had happened gracefully.You taught me how to dance like both a teenager and our mom, you taught me how to do terrible, unidentifiable impressions of people on TV and you taught how to emulate style –even if it was Kurt Cobain’s…

You taught me how to extract the calm reaction out of dad and how to glide past mistakes while only freaking out in private. You taught me all kinds of things, you showed me a blueprint…a starting point and I’m so grateful, because without you ahead of me, I might still have my head up in the clouds.

I fully looked up to you.

I know I’m gone, I left the nest and ran off to live my version of life and I know I have missed many Christmas parties, and other celebrations, and I know that I can’t reclaim those lost moments to safely tuck away in the filing cabinets of my brain. 

You must know that I miss you and I miss my family, but just because I can’t be there all the time that doesn’t mean you aren’t always on my mind. Every teachable, shareable, laughable moment that trips me up brings you to my mind. I share funny moments with you. It's a private ritual, an homage to sisterhood. It’s a soothing piece of the greater picture.

Like that time in Paris while I looking at a famous sculpture --  I began laughing out loud because it was too cartoony for me to take seriously. Soft, rolling edges and dumb expression like Patrick starfish. IN that moment, I just knew you'd be more amused that in awe too. And another time, when I nervously walked up to the camels in Abu Dhabi because you told me they would surely spit on me; or during my first trip to Germany, I asked some locals exclusively about their birthdays and if there was any possibility that they had an eraser in their pocket, because these were the words and phrases I had remembered from your German flash cards in high school …. (Der Radiergummi,tasche and Wann hast Du Geburtstag?) I'm sure I sounded eagerly ridiculous, but gleefully, I asked dozens of people and you were in my heart. 

I take you everywhere .The people we love make us brave enough to journey off alone—brave enough to discover a version of ourselves waiting for exposure. And we know we can go home to tell the stories of our adventures to them—and they will listen, laugh and ask to hear them again.

You are with me whether you know it or not. I love you!