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On: Reinventing yourself

In the beginning, back to my earliest memories, I started out as any kid does, absorbing the world like a sponge. Except ... I was emotional and erratic as a child. I was blissfully unaware; I was a dreamer.  I had this wild heart and I was unreasonably prone to the highest of highs and of course hit hard by the lowest of lows. I could be completely knocked off any course by my emotions. They would flood me and my clarity, I was captivated... mind, body and imagination.

Then, I learned how people saw me, not just how I wanted to be accepted, not how I believed I was ... but how--at face value--I was received. The way other people see you shines a shade brighter than the person you think you are. This awareness began to develop at the tender age of 12, and It was then that I began a path to reinventing myself for the very first time.
"BEFORE YOU CAN reinvent yourself, you have to know who you currently are; people need to understand their strengths, their weaknesses, their passions and their own story." 

                           -Robert Steven Kaplan
So reinvention ... I had decided that I was going to be a  fierce athlete, one that people could take seriously. It was a plan that manhandled me and created the greatest passion I can claim. A little background information is that I have always had attention span issues, my mind is visual and emphatic, my thoughts birth superfluous sub-thoughts and then I blaze a wild, fictional tale each and everyday before lunch time. 

I was distracted, too curious and boredom was always my best friend as I moved from one thing to the next and from one thought to another. I had an ache for stimulation that ruled me. Skating was the one thing that forced me to focus, in order to excel, I had to cultivate an ability--an ability that was not so natural for me, but it was the one thing that kept boredom at bay.

Since that first version of myself that I actively created, I've continued to chart the course that would gradually guide me to the person I wanted to be.  I had become an elite athlete but before I could blink I had fallen several stories (storeys) to the ground. As I slowly stood up, I had to teach myself how to embrace my new role. My former identity was gone and I was now an 'average girl'. Nothing wrong with that , right?!? But there was no pressure on me anymore and I hated it.  I began to learn about courage and I remembered how to apply myself. So with baby steps, I became a college graduate, professional athlete, and world traveler; in that progression, I had earned grace and confidence; the grace part I'm still working on ... but regardless, I kept pushing myself into new roles. 

Now, you ask?!? Well, now I sit with a beautiful responsibility on my strong shoulders. I am an artist. I'm not giving this title casually. I have admired artists for a long time and I have earned this title. I have long wanted to join the ranks of other artists, but it took a lot of old fashion effort and time to call myself a true creative, while also knowing it was fairly accurate.

 And here's what I've learned: Being an ARTIST is not about you ... it's about climbing to reach a place that requires ego but at the point of delivery is less completely any ego. It's about what you have to give and share and not the applause you earn as you give and share it. An unrepeatable type of fluidity that pours out of those people who are bursting to express. It's who I am. It's who I always was.--a storyteller. 

And when I come to the next fork in my path, when it's time to once again reinvent, I know that I can shine in any role I pursue because I know me, I work on me and I have been the best project I've ever known.

As I type that very thought, I think about my daughter. I think about the little wild heart I haven't yet had. The future extension of all I've gobbled up. And one day she will be my source. She will be my best most challenging work. She will be a work of art with parts of me embedded in her. She will have embellishments that I inadvertently have passed on to her. And me I'll, once again, be reinvented -- a mother, a teacher perhaps -- with dreams that aren't for me anymore. 
          FOR: Autumn & Rylan <3


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Goodbye to the circus xx