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Without expectations

There’s a brilliant man in my life, he just showed up. He challenges my munificent mind, he is dangerously honest; he multitasks his multi-tasking; doing everything all at once, there is a tiny space for me. I crave him.  Neither of us are available enough to love, neither of us are vested in the outcome, yet we still proclaim our truths to one another. I could talk to him for days; I could listen to him forever.

He just showed up, and I fell into an ocean and I’m not sure what I am supposed to do, the possibilities are haunting. I wrote to him: “When you allow someone inside your head you allow them the ability to hurt you irreparably, they know your vulnerabilities and they know of your pain. You said I have power, well now you have it too, at least relative to things involving me in your world. Yes, I am strong, but you could bring me to my knees. It’s the only way to live, so I surrender. Have your way with me, have your exquisite way…. I know you will, even without knowing it. I will be tormented regardless of the outcome. A gorgeous pain I welcome.”

Without hope placed on any particular outcome, things become tangible—it is what it is and it isn’t what it could be.

“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Nothing is as perfect as we can imagine it; thoughts are intangible fantasies without consequences, they can last if we give them space, simple and torrid affairs of our own creativity. Stone crumbles, wood rots and people, well, they die, but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, love; those can go on and on forever and lift the human spirit.”

Maybe people place hopes on an outcome because when you don’t there is nothing to look forward to, and our imagination will inevitably fantasize and we will attach silent hope somewhere, I am convinced that this a function of our psyche; it’s a counter-productive action of the  human condition. We pretend outwardly and then wander off in our own head-space—we cause our own pain. A life uncontrolled by outcomes is freedom but freedom without balance is also a vice. Existence at all is just a stunning mystery.

In his world now, I ask myself, can you adore someone and allow that addiction to be as it will? Can we live absent of the factors that make us feel that we have control?  Awareness and elevated retrospection teaches us that life is relative to our individual perspectives, desires and the versions of reality we perpetuate for our own sanity.  Well, I am certainly willing to try …


  1. bless my learning curve, I'm so happy I analyzed this relationship and got out! I was slowly inching towards where I really wanted to be.


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