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Recently I met someone new in my life, determined to nail first impressions, he did. But a leopard can't hide his spots, as my mother used to say, and if that leopard tries, those spots will be damned to show up eventually. None of us are perfect, none of us have avoided adversity or pain, but what we do with it matters -- IT MATTERS. Acceptance, forgiveness, character; these are the fully-loaded words I learned about through my own pain. But in healing, I was committed to me; I looked in the mirror and said, "make your move"... it was a tough time.  But I proactively made a choice not to lean on drugs or helpful people or vices and they beckoned sweetly.

Yes it would have been easier in the short-run, but long term it was a process that defined so much for me, I realized just what I was made of and just what I could accomplish with a little old-fashioned effort. I recognize the value added to my world and all future options.

When a new person walks into your world, that brings along new effort, fresh perspective and a desire for understanding; especially if you want them there for a while, you try to relate, to support; well, at least I do, I look for the good in people. My observation from the most recent entry is this: he is/was so tortured of his own vices and fears that he made it easy to see, like a glass wall, he was so unaware of his counter-productive actions and destructive patterns that he just relived the same situations in different context every day, the broken record thing you hear about in PSYC 101

I write, its soothing so I also wanted to write about it. I guess he took on the role of my muse, not in grotesque intention but because I sincerely wanted to help him, I saw bits of younger me in him. But what wasn't like me at all ... he cried for help ... and upon its arrival rejected it in the same breath. With him, I spoke, I advised... I related and tried all in vain. He didn't want what I had to offer. Jumping from one extreme directly to the other side of the spectrum, he is in agony. It's hard to watch.

“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand." -Jesus Christ

if I had a few seconds to say the most powerful thing I could think of to help him, that would be it. You can not stand against yourself, for you will -- at worst -- crumble and -- at best -- you will destroy all the good and mighty forces that come to your rescue.  I tried to be good for you, it didn't work. You made the choice to leave easier than it should be, if you don't respect yourself ... if you don't love yourself -- why should I?

I will pray for you, maybe this silent deed can handle the task.  Goodbye. Good luck.


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Goodbye to the circus xx