the blog

I went to Edinburgh, Scotland to work, but I managed to squeeze in some R&R too, and of course that nagging pull I have to continue exploring the world... It was a rainy night and I was craving real conversation, I decided I wanted to have an evening out, so I got to work setting those wheels in motion. I pulled out my phone and began swiping left and right to find a companion.  Before long, I had managed to secure a meeting place at a local pub, with a man who had two pictures and no profile paragraph. Over brief texting we both agreed on liking beer. There you have it, meeting in public for beer with stranger. This should be fine. As it turns out, it was fine. All those miles from home, and right there in a tiny Scottish pub, I sat drinking American beer with a fellow American. Bizarre as it seemed, suddenly I wasn’t lost and alone, suddenly I wasn't thousands of miles away from family and f...

This is part of the story, a path to a worthy man.                                                                      " Experience is cruel teacher" ....sometime in the year 2013. During this past  year, being single, I colored outside the lines and with hope in my fingertips, I swirled and scribbled and looked for shelter outside the lines. Every moment that I explored had me prisoner of an experience formally unknown to me.  One rendezvous turned several had suspended my life indefinitely.  The rules : there were no walls or expectations; there was no safety.  And before long, the room was always spinning...

A letter to my CAST, First, can I say, thank you! I look around me and see artists not just by profession but by nature. I see painters, dancers, singers and musicians; I see passion, effort and mad imagination. I see the rage to master. And so it is, we live our fascinating lives and choose to leave wait our functioning worlds to contribute to a different kind of world, but it’s a world where we fit in, we lend our hearts and hope it matters. "They may forget you, but they certainly won’t forget how you made them feel." What an honorable task, to make them feel. I want to thank you all for sharing a stage with me, and thank you in advance for all the days ahead of us because I know you will also share yourselves with me. I hope we can preserve the madness and magnificence required to keep going. I hope we can love one another especially when we least deserve it, because that is when we will need it the most. I am dedicated to ALL of you; I am committed to this j...

And so it is… ambivalently I prepare for another goodbye; ambivalence only because I need to honor that which I am leaving wait… The romance or magic of my life has to be where I am, not where I was …not where I may soon be; this keeps me grounded and grateful. Yes, I have illusions of my potential and my travels excite me. I have a bleeding heart that wants to give energy, joy, and most of all LOVE. But patience is a virtue, I must feel the emotions of the now, they guide and edify me. I am blessed, I get to be an artist, my life is pure and I have control now of my own madness, my deep, bottomless emotions. I channel them for my craft, for creativity and for growth.   I give my heart on the stage, and will—I   fear—until I know someone, somewhere who will let me pour over them all that I am and accept that canon. I am not a burden and I am not a distraction.   Connect with me and the seams dissolve. I am an independent emergent with an edgy soul and wild imagina...

There’s a brilliant man in my life, he just showed up. He challenges my munificent mind, he is dangerously honest; he multitasks his multi-tasking; doing everything all at once, there is a tiny space for me. I crave him.   Neither of us are available enough to love, neither of us are vested in the outcome, yet we still proclaim our truths to one another. I could talk to him for days; I could listen to him forever. He just showed up, and I fell into an ocean and I’m not sure what I am supposed to do, the possibilities are haunting. I wrote to him: “When you allow someone inside your head you allow them the ability to hurt you irreparably, they know your vulnerabilities and they know of your pain. You said I have power, well now you have it too, at least relative to things involving me in your world. Yes, I am strong, but you could bring me to my knees. It’s the only way to live, so I surrender. Have your way with me, have your exquisite way…. I know you will, even without...

Recently I met someone new in my life, determined to nail first impressions, he did. But a leopard can't hide his spots, as my mother used to say, and if that leopard tries, those spots will be damned to show up eventually. None of us are perfect, none of us have avoided adversity or pain, but what we do with it matters -- IT MATTERS. Acceptance, forgiveness, character; these are the fully-loaded words I learned about through my own pain. But in healing, I was committed to me; I looked in the mirror and said, "make your move"... it was a tough time.  But I proactively made a choice not to lean on drugs or helpful people or vices and they beckoned sweetly. Yes it would have been easier in the short-run, but long term it was a process that defined so much for me, I realized just what I was made of and just what I could accomplish with a little old-fashioned effort. I recognize the value added to my world and all future options. ...

Forward: this is a story about youth. It exposed the immature decisions of capricious, youthful curiosity. I was driven to action by desire, self-interest and self-preservation. I have evolved to live with grace, hope and optimism. The year it all began was 1989 -- Although my first unqualified boyfriend gave me the shivers, hot flashes and swift nervousness, the relationship only went to the holding-hands phase. Therefore I’m skipping it mostly except for this bit of context:  I am going to say that it was from then on that I knew the power of attraction, the power of desire. On a small scale, yes… but it was enough. TJ made my heart race like I had never known.    I have continued to revert back to those first feelings when you initially lose control.   That ‘relationship’ taught me just how crazy I could be.   I was capable of spending time wondering about someone else. I began to change from a girl to a woman.   And then ...